


Rubatosis

by merlin_the_dragonlord



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Meetings, Illnesses, M/M, Minor Character Death, Organ Transplantation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2015-07-15
Packaged: 2018-04-09 11:00:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4346012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlin_the_dragonlord/pseuds/merlin_the_dragonlord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>My father is dead.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>His heart went to an idiot. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>I fell in love. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>He's gone. </i>
</p><p>The story of how a heart brought Merlin and Arthur together. </p><p>The story of how a heart tore Merlin and Arthur apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rubatosis

**Author's Note:**

> Merlin is a patient in need of a heart transplant and through some circumstances, Uther Pendragon is a match. Arthur wants to know who receives his father's heart, so he goes to meet Merlin but isn't quite sure what to make of this odd person. 
> 
> This story was semi-beta'd, so most mistakes are my own. 
> 
> Thanks to Sanaya and Libby for being my guinea pigs in gauging if the story is sad enough.

_From ashes to ashes, from dust to dust._  
_You'll rise again, in this I'll trust._  
_You're in our hearts, 'till the end._  
_We will meet again, depart my friend._  
_You may be gone, but I know you're near._  
_In my heart, I hold you dear._  
_My only hope, in peace you'll rest._  
_I still miss you, I bet you guessed._  
_I'll see you soon, it's a must._  
_Ashes to ashes, dust to dust._  
_\- Kev Elmer_  

* * *

The mausoleum loomed over the cemetery, formidable with its clean-cut white marble exterior. The doors were closed and with a crowd of people surrounding the building, all dressed in somber black. A sleek dark coffin was raised into the air on a table in front of the structure. Arthur Pendragon stared straight ahead blankly, unaware of the eulogy being presented. This ceremony had dragged on for what seemed like hours. Arthur was aware that his leg muscles were complaining at this point, but he disregarded the soreness in favor of standing ramrod straight. Morgana was standing by his side, her eyes red-rimmed but still as poised and elegant as she always had been. _Unfortunate accident, such a tragedy._ Uther Pendragon had been the infallible founder and CEO of Pendragon Corporations, until two weeks ago when a drunk driver ran a red light. It was hilarious, really, all things considering. If anyone in the world could defeat death, it should have been Uther Pendragon. To die in such a manner… it was so _mundane_ .  
Arthur had known something was wrong when Uther wasn’t home for dinner. His father was the epitome of punctual and _never_ missed their weekly family dinners with him and Morgana. Half an hour later, he had received the news that would change his life forever. The world had turned grey in that moment, all emotions drained from him. He forced himself to stop _thinking_. It was too painful and he had to step up. His father would have expected it of him. Life went on. Morgana wore her heart on her sleeve, but Arthur tore his off the moment the phone call ended. 

* * *

“The figures this quarter are concerning…. Stock prices are plummeting….” Head pounding, Arthur rubbed his temples and surveyed the board of directors before him. It had been a mere two days since Uther’s death and the company was scrambling. It was an unanimous vote for Arthur to take the CEO position and so he did. A year ago, Arthur would have been ecstatic at this promotion, but under the circumstances, there was no joy in his promotion. In fact, there was nothing. He should have been grieving and mourning. Nothing. He was running on autopilot, making sure that the company remained afloat, finding a suitable replacement for his old position, and above all, waiting to hear back from the hospital regarding Uther’s heart donation. The hospital had informed him of his father’s wish to donate his organs and so, they had taken his heart, which had survived through some miracle. The entire exchange had been strange and seemed very out of character for Uther, but legally, there was nothing the blond could do. Arthur had requested to be notified when a donor was found.  
After the current board member finished speaking, Arthur stood and plastered a smile on his face. It was so easy to pretend and to mask the numbness that was growing within him. He had no time for emotions and the whims of his heart. 

* * *

Twenty-four hours later, he received another call. They had found a match. 

* * *

The waiting room in the hospital was painted a dark grey, with couches and chairs dispersed throughout the room. It was deceptively welcoming. Arthur sat on a chair near the entrance to the patient wing, a book in his hands. It had been a long day at work, then near bumper-to-bumper traffic on the drive to Albion Hospital. Luckily, he had just arrived in time for the last few visiting hours. There were a few other visitors milling around in the waiting room, some clutching flowers and chocolates, others with balloons or stuffed animals. The depressing atmosphere of the waiting room felt suffocating and Arthur found it hard to breathe. The last time he was in a hospital, he had been picking up his father’s body. Lost in his thoughts, Arthur didn’t notice someone approaching him. “Excuse me, Mr. Pendragon?” He looked up to see a petite nurse. Her nametag read _Freya_ . “Do you want to see him now?” Her voice was soft and pitying. He hated it.  
“Is he out of surgery?” She nodded. He hesitated, unsure of how to continue the conversation, but he settled on a question he felt was safe. It was off-putting, he was able to charm celebrities and politicians at parties, but he was struggling to carry a conversation with a _nurse_ . “How is he?”  
Her mouth twisted in a small grimace. “There weren’t any complications.” So the heart had taken, but it was clear to Arthur that her behavior indicated that _something_ was wrong. His thoughts began to race, but he told himself that he was being ridiculous. There was no cause to worry and even then, he could have very well left the situation alone and gone the rest of his life without ever meeting the patient with Uther’s heart, but curiosity got the best of him. He blamed it on his vindictive masochistic streak.  
Arthur stared down at his clasped hands. “He’s awake?”  
“Yes.” She nodded.  
“I’ll see him.” He stood and ran a hand through his hair, grimacing at how oily it felt. It had been a while since he had a proper shower. The nurse began walking towards the doors to the wing and he followed her in, bracing himself. 

* * *

The hospital room was large and very modern, more so than what he imagined a hospital room would feel like. Arthur remembered reading on the website that their patient rooms were comparable to a five star hotel’s, which seemed completely unnecessary. A pale, dark haired male was sitting up in the bed reading a book and he looked up to smile at Arthur. “Hello.” He was dressed in a hospital gown and Arthur could see that he had pads attached to his chest connected to the screen next to the bed. There was an IV needle in his arm and he shuddered. He always hated needles. “You must be Arthur.”  
Arthur was taken aback by the friendliness of the other male. “Yes. And you’re Merlin.”  
His smile grew wider in amusement. “Indeed. And I now possess your father’s heart.”  
The blond had no idea how to respond. “I’m pleased to heart that the surgery was successful.” That was a good thing to say, right?  
“For now.” Merlin was watching Arthur closely. How in the hell was he supposed to respond to such a morbid statement? A forced smile emerged on his face and he moved to sit next to the hospital bed. “I suppose I ought to thank you.”  
“For what?” The question left his mouth before he could think about it. He cringed.  
“Well… your father did save my life.” Merlin shut his book and placed it aside. Suddenly, he froze and looked up at Arthur, a contrite look on his face. “I’m sorry, that was insensitive of me. My condolences.”  
He had heard those words so many times in the past few days that he automatically reacted. “Thank you. It was a tragedy.” He avoided looking at the bed and looked around the room again for the fourth or fifth time.  
Merlin stared intensely at him. “You don’t like me.”  
Those words confused Arthur. He didn’t dislike this odd man with much too large ears, nor did he particularly like him. “I don’t know you.”  
Intuition told him that Merlin was judging him. He stood. “I should be going. I didn’t mean to bother you.” There was abrupt movement and he looked down to see a hand gripping his wrist.  
“No, I’m sorry.” His voice was quiet and Arthur looked down to see the other male glancing imploringly up. “I’m… a difficult person. My sense of humor isn’t appreciated at all. I can see that you’re still grieving. You must have been close with your father.” Merlin was watching Arthur closely, as if attempting to surmise the status of Arthur’s relationship with his father.  
For some inexplicable reason, that made Arthur angry. This… nobody had no right. All of the recent emotional suppression took its toll and he finally snapped. “You know nothing about me or my relationship with my father.” He wrenched his wrist from Merlin’s grip and drew himself up to his full height.  
Merlin looked taken aback. “I didn’t mean-“  
“Of course you didn’t.” He replied scathingly, voice increasing in volume with each word. “Although now that you have my father’s heart, I’m sure you know everything about him.” Something told him that he was overreacting but he couldn’t stop himself.  
Merlin’s eyes continued widening and his breathing rate increased before all of a sudden, a sharp beeping noise resonated through the room. Arthur looked around in alarm, unsure of what was happening, but the door then slammed open and two nurses in matching scrubs rushed in, followed by a doctor in a lab coat. Another nurse came in and stared at the scene, taking in Arthur’s clenched fists and tense body posture. He scowled and stalked over to the blond. “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”  
All of the tension left Arthur like a gust of wind and he took in the scene in front of him, where the nurses were trying to calm Merlin down. “I… Of course.” He allowed himself to be manhandled out of the room. “Is he going to be all right?” He found himself asking as soon as the door slammed shut.  
The nurse gave him a wary glance. “Dr. Fischbach is one of our finest.”  
Arthur wanted to snarl in frustration. That didn’t answer his question, but he knew that whatever they told him was meant to console him yet leave things open. He looked to the closed wooden door.  
“Sir, visiting hours are almost over. You should leave soon.” The nurse, nametag _Leon_ , was still giving Arthur a wary look. Arthur clenched his teeth but pulled out a business card and a pen. He scribbled his cell phone number on it and handed it to the nurse, who took it with a questioning look.  
“Please give this to Merlin.” Leon nodded and Arthur turned to leave the hospital, against all of his instincts screaming to stay back and make sure Merlin was okay. He felt his heart beat in time with his footsteps.

* * *

  _Bzzt._ Arthur jumped when his phone vibrated on the coffee table. _Bzzt._ The vibrations resonated loudly through his empty flat and he picked his phone up to read the message.  
**_Leon gave me your number._ **  
**_You’re still a prat._ **  
Both messages were from an unknown number, but context clues indicated that the texts were from one Merlin Emrys. Arthur was compelled to respond.  
**_I apologize for my behavior the other day. -AP_ **  
Before he could think too much about it, he hit send. He attempted to return his attention to the television, but he found that he kept glancing at his phone, despite knowing that he would know if Merlin responded. His hand twitched and he shut his eyes. It was ridiculous to be this nervous over a simple text message, but there was something about Merlin that brought out all of his emotions tenfold.  
_Bzzt. **You’re a prep school boy, aren’t you. I knew it.**_  
**_And if I am? –AP_ **  
_Bzzt. **Well that explains the poshness. :P**_  
Arthur rolled his eyes but hesitated. He typed out a response but hesitated, unsure if he really wanted to send it. **_Do you mind if I come back for another visit? –AP_ ** He bit the inside of his cheek, thumb hovering over the send button. Taking a deep breath, he hit the button and watched the message send.  
The reply came instantly. **_I’m honored you deem me worthy of your presence. :D_ **  
Another text followed. **_Bring me some chocolate._ **  
Fondness blossomed through Arthur at Merlin’s impertinence. He was sure he could find some 90% dark chocolate bars somewhere. Imagining the look on Merlin’s face when he tasted the bitterness cheered him up significantly. He ignored the fact that his pulse began to speed up in response to his fondness. 

* * *

 _Bzzt_ . **_Arthur, I’m bored. There’s nothing on TV._ **  
_Bzzt. **Pay attention to me.**_  
Arthur paid no mind to the vibrating of his phone as he focused on the email he was writing.  
_Bzzt. **Dr. Fischbach says I can go home tomorrow.**_  
_Bzzt. **Will you come take me home?**_  
He picked up his phone at the last message and stared at it. Why would Merlin ask him, practically a stranger, to take him from the hospital? He wanted to reply and ask if he had no one else to take him home, but that seemed rude. So he did the only thing he could do. He didn’t mind, he rather enjoyed Merlin’s company.  
**_Yes. I have work to do, Merlin, stop texting me. -AP_ **  
_Bzzt. **Well, sorry I’m bored.**_  
**_Deal with it. -AP_ **  
_Bzzt. **Prat.**_  
**_Idiot. -AP_ ** ****

* * *

The flat was _tiny._ Even his university flat hadn’t been this small, and he definitely had not been forced to share such a cramped space with two other males. Will and Gwaine had… personality, for lack of a better word. As soon as Merlin had crossed the threshold, there was a baseball-sized bundle of socks lobbed at his head and Arthur had a suspicion that those socks weren’t clean. The dark-haired male batted the projectile away, only to have a balled up shirt thrown at him. This projectile’s aim was off and it hit Arthur in the chest. He blinked and stared at the crumpled up shirt on the floor before his gaze wandered upwards and he saw two males lounging casually on the couch, one of them shirtless and practically a perfect male specimen. Jealousy raged through Arthur.  
“Those are my idiot roommates, Will and Gwaine.” Merlin dropped his duffel bag on the floor.  
“Yo.” The two waved, eyes still glued to the episode of Top Gun playing.  
“This is where you’re staying?” Arthur surveyed the flat and wrinkled his nose. There were carryout boxes everywhere and beer bottles strewn about and he could just imagine the bacteria and viruses contaminating the surface. He thought of his own apartment, clean and practically sterile, thanks to the cleaner who came once a week.  
“Is it not to your standards, Pendragon?” Merlin teased.  
“You’re on immunosuppressants.” Arthur reminded the other.  
“Yes, I know that.”  
“What’s it to you?” This time, Will had spoken, a resentful glare at the blond.  
“Well, immunosuppressants mean that Merlin here _has no immune system_ .” Arthur replied back, his words frosty. That quickly shut Will up.  
“I’ll be fine.” Merlin placed a hand on Arthur’s arm. “Thank you for bringing me home.” With that, Arthur was forced to concede defeat and he left the flat. He shoved his hand into his jacket pocket and was surprised to find a business card. It was the card for the cardiologist that Merlin had been referred to and Arthur made sure the number was input on his phone.

* * *

It was Merlin’s third missed appointment and Arthur had had enough. He marched into Merlin’s flat and slammed the door to his room open. “You’re moving in with me.” He announced.  
Merlin looked up from his textbook. He had his glasses on and a pencil stuck behind his ear.  
“It’s a bit soon in our relationship to be moving in, isn’t it?” He meant to tease, but he was clearly fatigued. Merlin had been focusing on his studies, hoping to earn his masters in biochemistry eventually, but he found that studying easily wore him out. His exhaustion made him prone to bouts of forgetfulness and caused him to miss his appointments.  
“Merlin, you’ve missed three appointments in the past two weeks.” Arthur said, more gently. “Move in with me. My apartment’s cleaner and you’d have a better study area.”  
“You’ve done plenty for me.” Merlin replied, taking his glasses off and rubbing the bridge of his nose. “I’ll be more careful to go to my…” He waved his hand. “Doctor… thingys.”  
“Please, Merlin.” Arthur had no idea why he was so protective of the younger male. Well, he had an inkling but he didn’t want to admit it to himself the extent of his feelings for Merlin.  
The dark-haired male paused, then sighed. “Okay, but only because your place is going to be quieter than mine. Gwaine and Will have been driving me insane since they bought Halo 4.”  
It was a weak excuse, but Arthur would take it as a victory. “I’ll help you pack.” 

* * *

Merlin was an infuriating roommate. For someone who was supposed to ‘take it easy’, Merlin was so much more trouble than he was worth. He was constantly leaving things around the flat, anything from his clothes to textbooks, and somehow always found the most unusual places to fall asleep in. Arthur had been chagrined to find Merlin fast asleep in his closet at one point, lying on top of his unpacked suitcase. Despite all of that, he had somehow firmly carved a place in Arthur’s life, in a way that he couldn’t quite pinpoint. Merlin was a bright presence in the flat and everyone in Arthur’s social circle was absolutely enamored with the dark-haired male. Even Morgana adored him and she disliked almost everyone outside of their circle of friends.  
Quite frankly, it drove Arthur insane. When Merlin infuriated him, that was fine, but sometimes he would do something stupidly endearing, like getting his favorite cookie recipe from Gwen and baking them for him when there had been an arduous week at work (he would never tell Gwen, but secretly, he preferred Merlin’s cookies over hers- not that they tasted any better. Maybe it had something to do with the smile on Merlin’s face when he took that first bite). He knew he was attracted to the dark-haired male and that he was so obvious about it. Morgana would give him _that look_ whenever he offered to go refill Merlin’s drinks or he would wrap his coat around the younger male whenever he saw the slightest hint of a shiver.  
But Merlin didn’t reciprocate. Arthur knew, from careful studying of his mannerisms, that there was no special treatment whatsoever from him. Merlin hugged everyone, despite their relationship status, he was eager to please others and he loved each and every one of them dearly. He tried to keep his feelings hidden, but couldn’t help the way his heart skipped a beat each time Merlin smiled at him. 

* * *

It was three in the morning, when Arthur was awoken by noises. It sounded like coughing… coming from Merlin’s room. Alarmed, he shot out of bed and went to the other room. Without knocking, he barged in and made a beeline to the bed. The dark-haired male was sitting up, still coughing. “Merlin, are you okay?”  
Blue eyes met his. “Y-Yeah.” Another cough. Arthur placed the back of his hand on Merlin’s forehead and was alarmed to feel that he was warmer than normal.  
“Here.” He took the glass of water off the bedside table and placed the rim to Merlin’s lips. He drank. “Keep drinking, I’m getting the thermometer.” He went to Merlin’s desk and rifled around the middle drawer until he found what he was looking for, returning to the bed. Merlin obligingly opened his mouth and Arthur stuck it under his tongue. Silence fell over the two, apart from a few wheezes from Merlin when he tried to suppress his coughs.  
The thermometer beeped and Arthur snatched it from Merlin’s mouth to check the temperature. _40ºC._ That was much higher than it was supposed to be.  
“I’m taking you to the hospital. Come on.” Arthur announced, standing up and hoisting his roommate up.  
“M fine.” Merlin mumbled, but immediately stumbled a little, eyes fluttering open and closed. “I’m okay.”  
Arthur shook his head before wrapping his arm around Merlin’s waist to support him. He was absolutely positive that his heart was not wildly dancing when Merlin leaned into his body. 

* * *

It had been a common cold, but stupid Merlin, not wanting to inconvenience Arthur, had kept it hidden and the cold had developed into full-blown pneumonia. The doctors asked to keep Merlin in the hospital for observation until they were sure that the medication they were giving him was taking hold. Reluctantly, he left Merlin at the hospital and went back. He opened the door and out of habit, made a beeline directly to the sink to wash his hands. Halfway through, though, he froze and realized that this gesture wasn’t necessary since Merlin wasn’t here. He stood in the middle of his flat and looked around, not realizing how much had changed recently. Before Merlin, there was not a single misplaced object anywhere. But now… There was a hoodie draped on the back of the couch, the blankets were strewn about instead of being neatly folded, and textbooks were stacked on the coffee table. He walked into the kitchen for a glass of water and out of the corner of his eye, there was color. He looked up and smiled. There was a black spot on the ceiling in his kitchen that he remembered was from the time Merlin wanted to surprise Arthur with dinner but ended up forgetting about it. The blond had merely shook his head and thrown a takeaway menu at his roommate. There was a small terrifying gold glass dragon resting on the windowsill, courtesy of Merlin, who had announced that he named it Kilgharrah and now they couldn’t get rid of it. He also wouldn’t tell Arthur where the hell that name had come from. It was all very domestic, and to Arthur’s surprise, he didn’t panic at the idea. In fact, he enjoyed the thought that he and Merlin could have a life together. He immediately realized that train of thought was dangerous, so to distract himself, Arthur began to tidy up, folding the blankets and rearranging the throws on the couch. He found that he missed Merlin’s presence. The silence was almost suffocating. He thought of how he barely spent time at his apartment before Merlin moved in, but realized that he had spent more and more time at his place and had even begun to decorate it with his own personal touch. For once, his flat began to feel a little like home. 

* * *

Merlin’s return home was accompanied by a dinner party. Arthur had woken up to incessant knocking at his door and found Morgana and Gwen in his flat, followed by Leon and Lance unloading groceries in the kitchen. “What’s going on?” He asked groggily. He yawned and stretched.  
Morgana gave him a disapproving glance before she began to cut tomatoes on a cutting board that Arthur had no idea he even owned. “We’re throwing a dinner party for Merlin.” She stated drily, as if it were obvious.  
“Uhm… okay?” Arthur was still confused.  
“He’s returning today, right?” Morgana spoke to him as if he were dim.  
Arthur nodded slowly. “That doesn’t explain why you’re in my flat.”  
“Well we need to start cooking.” Gwen said brightly, setting a pot of water to boil on the stove.  
“It’s seven in the morning.” Arthur traded glances with Lance and Leon, who both looked half-asleep still but shrugged.  
“Well there’s so much to do and cook… And we’ll need to clean up a little.” Gwen looked around worriedly. “I don’t know if there’s enough time-“  
Arthur held up his hands. “Fine, fine.” Gwen and Morgana were forces of nature and he did not wish to cross them. “I’ll brew some coffee.” Lance and Leon nodded appreciatively. “Don’t set anything on fire… _Morgana._ ” His comment was accompanied by a piece of tomato lobbed at his head from his sister. Despite the rude intrusion, it warmed Arthur’s heart to know that his friends had so readily adopted Merlin as one of them. 

* * *

The party was in full swing, all the food laid out on the dining room table. Arthur was talking to Morgana and realized that there was a lone figure out on the balcony. He looked around and noticed that Merlin wasn’t there. Morgana noticed where his gaze was and she gave him a knowing nudge before drifting away. Once Arthur noticed that Morgana was gone, he made a beeline for the balcony. The noise of the door opening made Merlin turn around. “You all right?” Arthur asked.  
“It’s all a bit overwhelming.” Merlin gave a small smile before turning and looking back up at the stars. “My mother used to tell me that my father was watching over us in the sky.” He said simply.  
Arthur remained silent. He knew that Merlin’s father had died when he was four.  
“I used to believe it.” Merlin sounded sad. “I wanted to believe it.”  
“I’m sure that wherever he is, he’s watching over you.” Arthur replied softly, walking to stand next to him. “He’d be proud.”  
“I wish I could believe that.” Merlin gave a self-deprecating laugh and looked down at his hands. “I think about the stories I’ve heard about him and the love in my mother’s eyes when she talked about him.” Arthur knew what he was talking about. He knew that he got the same affectionate look in his eyes when he looked at Merlin. “When I was first diagnosed with mydocarditis, it was a hard time.” Merlin looked so small and so tired. Arthur ached to bring him in his arms. “I thought maybe that I had done something to deserve this.” No, Merlin was the most loving and selfless person that Arthur had ever met. “I pleaded, begged, bargained with… well… a higher power.” He scoffed. “I don’t even know if there’s a God up there, but if there is… I can’t believe in him when I’ve gone through all I’ve gone through.” His hands unconsciously came up to wrap around him in a parody of a hug. “Once my condition worsened and they told me that I would have to have a heart transplant within the year or else I’d die, I became depressed.” Arthur noticed he was trembling and his voice was growing thick. “I just didn’t… want to live. I didn’t think I deserved to live.” That final admission was what tipped Arthur over the edge. He turned to face his friend and drew him in a hug. Merlin stiffened at first, but quickly relaxed into it.  
“I’m glad that you’re here in my life.” Arthur admitted softly. He drew back, but kept his hands on Merlin’s shoulders. “You are the most kind and selfless person I know. I am so proud of you and staying strong through everything you’ve gone through.” Merlin’s eyes widened and his eyes flickered back and forth between Arthur’s.  
There was a moment when Arthur thought that Merlin was going to kiss him, but then the door slammed open and Gwaine sauntered onto the balcony. They leapt apart, but Arthur noticed that Merlin had interlaced their fingers. That was the moment that Arthur knew that there was no other person in his life that would mean as much as Merlin did to him. 

* * *

The next day, Arthur walked into the flat, home from work, only to abruptly stop when Merlin bolted upwards from the couch. The next thing he knew, he had arms wrapped around his shoulders. His immediate reaction was to wrap his arms around Merlin’s waist. “What’s wrong?”  
He drew back but Arthur kept his hands on his waist. He had a wide smile on his face. “Well, you know I had an appointment with Gaius today…” Arthur nodded. “He told me that the biopsy results were great and that he thinks that everything’s going to be just fine.”  
Hearing that piece of news made Arthur grin widely. “I’m glad to hear that.”  
Merlin’s smile faded as he searched Arthur’s face. His gaze dropped down to his lips before returning to his eyes. “Arthur, can I….?”  
Arthur answered by pressing his lips to Merlin’s. Merlin’s arms came up around Arthur’s neck again, in response, one of Arthur’s hands came up to entangle itself in the raven hair. His other arm snaked around Merlin’s waist to tug him closer. It was strange, kissing someone the same height as him, but the warmth of Merlin’s lips made the strangeness inconsequential. He drew back and placed his forehead against Merlin’s, eyes closed and a smile on his face. “I wanted to do that for a month.”  
Merlin gave a breathless laugh. “I wanted to do it since you walked into my hospital room.”  
Warmth blossomed through Arthur’s chest and he kissed Merlin again, this time catching Merlin’s bottom lip in between his teeth before drawing back. “Go on a date with me.”  
“I suppose you’ll do.” And in that moment, Arthur never regretted for one second visiting Albion Hospital. He placed his hand on Merlin’s chest and smiled when he felt the strong heartbeat. 

* * *

The relationship was a new experience for both of them and it both elated and terrified Arthur. He had never fallen this fast this quickly for anyone. Disbelief still filled him whenever he realized he could touch Merlin to his heart’s content. Looking at Merlin made him feel like the most special person in the world and when he saw Merlin smiling at him, he just _knew_ that Merlin loved him. They hadn’t said anything to each other, but the relationship was real and Arthur undoubtedly knew that they both felt safe and secure with one another. It was a comforting thought. 

* * *

One day, they had been sitting in front of the TV watching Avengers when Merlin had turned to Arthur with wide eyes. “Fuck _."_ His eyes were filled with fear and pain, and that spurred Arthur into movement and grabbing his phone to dial his cardiologist.  
“Hello, this is Wilson and Wilson’s office. This is Alice speaking.”  
“Merlin, are you all right?” Arthur placed his fingers on Merlin’s pulse point in his neck and began counting. “Hi Alice, it’s Arthur. Merlin…” His pulse was normal.  
“Is everything all right, Arthur?”  
The blond stared at Merlin’s face in confusion. His boyfriend seemed fine, just shocked. “I… think so. My apologies, it was a false alarm.”  
“That is perfectly all right, Arthur.” Alice and Gaius were both the epitome of patience, having done this for many decades. They’ve seen everything. “If anything else happens, feel free to call. Goodbye and have a good day!” He tossed the phone aside and scrambled to kneel in front his boyfriend.  
“Merlin, talk to me.” He placed a hand on his knee. “Merlin!” Tapping his knee, he looked anxiously up.  
“Fuck, I love you.” Arthur stared at him in confusion before realization dawned on him. “Fuck.” Merlin looked so scared in that moment that it made Arthur’s heart ache. He knew that despite Merlin’s happy demeanor, there was a lifetime of hurt behind him and as a result, he had put up walls and walls around himself, careful to not give too much of him away.   
“Merlin, look at me.” Arthur rose to sit besides him. “Hey, hey, hey.” His hands came up to cup Merlin’s face. “I love you, too. Heavens knows why, but I love you too.” Merlin slowly nodded. “I’m not leaving you. I’m not going to be another Valiant or Gilli. I’m not going anywhere.”  
Slowly, Merlin’s breathing returned to normal and he reached his arms out for his boyfriend. Arthur obliged and wrapped his arms around Merlin and held him, savoring the warmth in his arms. 

* * *

“What do you think of children?” That was bad timing on Merlin’s part. Arthur had just taken a bite from his chicken and promptly choked at the question. He grabbed his water and began chugging the liquid down.  
“Excuse me?” That question came unbidden after he was able to start talking again. The other male seemed lost in thought, staring down at his own spaghetti.  
“Children, Arthur.” He looked up and smiled teasingly at his blond boyfriend.  
His throat went dry. He had thought about raising children but knew that he didn’t have an ideal basis for fatherhood and had contented himself with being a doting uncle to Morgana’s children. “I…”  
Suddenly, Merlin looked shy. “I’ve always dreamed of having children.”  
Looking at the brunet, Arthur knew immediately that there was no one else that would ever mean as much to him as Merlin did. With that realization, he stood up and walked to the other side of the table. Merlin watched him, confused, but gasped when Arthur dropped to a knee.  
“Merlin Emrys, this is….” Arthur bit his lip, struggling to find words. “I didn’t plan this.” Merlin opened his mouth but he shook his head. “Let me finish.” He took a deep breath. “I love you. So much that it scares me sometimes. I want to be with you for as long as I live. There will never be anyone else. Marry me.” He fumbled with the ring on his thumb and held it out. Nervously, he looked up at his boyfriend.  
Merlin blinked a few times. Silence had overtaken the restaurant as they watched the two men. “You’re an idiot.” The raven-head stated, a smile forming on his face. “I love you too. Of course I’ll marry you.” He grasped Arthur’s forearms and hoisted him up before kissing him. The other diners in the restaurant clapped but all Arthur was aware of was his own heartbeat racing at the thrill of having such a wonderful fiancé in his arms. 

* * *

The day that Arthur’s life ended seemed so inconsequential. He knew that there had been some concerns of organ rejection from Gaius but Merlin had shrugged them off, saying that there was always a life-long risk of organ rejection and that it wasn’t anything to worry about. All the markers had matched. The heart was still going strong. Arthur took his boyfriend’s word for it- after all, Merlin was the biochemistry major, not him.  
_He hadn’t even been home when it happened._ For him, that was that worst part. He had walked into the flat, a box with Merlin’s favorite strawberry shortcake from the bakery on the corner in his hand. “I’m home!” He called, locking the door and tossing his keys on the small table in the hallway. There was no response and he figured Merlin was studying with headphones on, so he went to the kitchen and placed the cake in his refrigerator before grabbing a glass of water.  
Merlin would have been studying in the living room and so he went into the space, looking for his wayward fiancé. He was not prepared at all for the sight that greeted him.  
The figure on the floor was as still as a doll. Merlin’s complexion was pale, paler than normal and his lips were tinged blue. Arthur heard the glass shatter as he dropped his drink but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was checking on Merlin. He dropped to his knees and felt for a pulse. Nothing.  
He forced himself to ignore his own racing pulse and started to compress down on Merlin’s chest. Counting softly out loud, he prayed that this would work. It always worked in the movies, right? After thirty, he moved to Merlin’s face, pinching his nose and placing his lips over his fiancé’s. He breathed in and watched for Merlin’s chest to rise. It had to work. It had to. He kept at it until his arms were burning from the strain and his knees were cramping. Merlin was still unresponsive. Arthur’s heart sank as the reality of the situation hit him. 

* * *

 _It’s all my fault._ There was no assuaging Arthur’s guilt. _What could I have done differently? What did I do wrong?_ Different scenarios ran through Arthur’s mind as he stared at the body bag in the morgue. If he had just arrived home five minutes earlier, maybe Merlin would have been okay. Maybe if he had just done CPR a little deeper, Merlin’s heart would have restarted. Maybe the disinfectant that he had purchased wasn’t strong enough. Information of superbugs ran through his mind- viruses that mutate through natural selection to be more resistant and lethal. Maybe the same had happened in their flat. Morgana had told him that it wasn’t his fault, but that didn’t stop him from thinking about what he could have done to prevent the heart rejection. Gods, he was miserable, but he didn’t feel as if his sadness was justified. There was so much guilt that it almost killed him. Every waking second was another without Merlin. His phone rang again. There was a crash as the device hit the wall and fell to the floor, still ringing. It wasn’t Merlin. It never would be. The knowledge that he would never hear Merlin’s voice again was pure torture. All he wanted was for Merlin to be safe in his arms again. He didn’t even get to say goodbye. 

* * *

Arthur didn’t want to go to the funeral. It didn’t seem right. He still blamed himself for Merlin’s death and thought himself unworthy of attending such a monumental event. But he went, at the behest of Hunith. He couldn’t even look her in the eyes. He didn’t want to. Merlin had her eyes. He didn’t want to remember. She understood, and merely hugged him while thanking him for taking care of her son until the end.  
The sun was shining as everyone stood around the new gravestone. Arthur hated that the day was bright and beautiful, as if the universe was mocking him. It was his darkest day and yet the sun shone brighter than it had in months. Arthur wanted to scream at the heavens, demanding why it had to be Merlin. Why couldn’t it have been him? Merlin didn’t deserve this fate. There were murmurs around him as people grieved. _He was so young._ His academic advisor was there. _He was the brightest pupil I’ve had in years._ Gaius stood there with Alice, a somber look in his eyes as his wife shook. _He was the son I never had._ Merlin’s aunt had her sister’s hand in a tight grip. _No parent should have to bury their child._ It was too much. Arthur whirled around and left the cemetery. He felt as if his own heart had stopped and would never beat again. He wasn't sure he wanted it to.  

* * *

 _I love you, see you later_ . That was the last text message that Merlin had sent him. It seemed stupidly sentimental for him to be curled up on his- no, _their_ bed with his phone, scrolling through his text messages. The sadness kept growing and growing with every _I love you_ and every _Wish you were here_ , eventually reaching a point where he had to put his phone down. His vision blurred and he blinked, fighting back the tears. They still fell, trickling down fast and hot against his skin. He swallowed but forced himself to pick up the phone and continue reading. Dimly, he registered how awful his sobbing noises were but couldn’t stop. All of a sudden, he couldn’t breath. The mucus in his nose was blocking his ability to inhale and he coughed, gasping for air. His lungs burned and for a brief moment, he wondered if the pain he was feeling was anywhere near the pain that Merlin felt in that moment when his heart gave out. Finally, the lack of air forced him to reach for the tissue box on his bedside table. He blew his nose and the fire in his lungs subsided. His heart began pumping wildly, making up for the brief lack of oxygen, but it still hurt so fucking much. Merlin would have laughed at Arthur for feeling this pain. After all, according to him, _the heart couldn’t feel pain, it’s just a muscle_ . But the science didn’t matter. What mattered was the all-consuming ache in his chest that made his entire being seem meaningless. What mattered was how alone he felt, with reminders of Merlin’s presence in their room. His heart continued beating and Arthur wanted to scream. He wanted to rip the organ from his chest and give it to Merlin. Bright, wonderful Merlin, who made the most of life despite how _fucked over_ he had been. Warm, happy Merlin who had made Arthur feel again. His heart continued to beat like a metronome, but it meant nothing without Merlin’s laughter to go along with it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Rubatosis-the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat. 
> 
> This story was challenging for me to write because I wanted the emotions to be as real as I could make it. The process consisted a lot of writing, going back and editing my work and writing when I was sad. 
> 
> I would really appreciate reviews on this story and if you want to see what other shenanigans I get up to, my tumblr is merlin-the-dragonlord.


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